Think
of the movies playing during December as presents under a tree.
Some of them are things we’ve been waiting to get for a while,
and some are things we wonder who ever asked for in the first place.
But like every gift, even the crappiest films have people who love
them. I once drove an hour to go see Battlefield Earth. Hell, somebody
you know may know might have went to see Kangaroo Jack in the theater
or may own Godsend on DVD! In our ever-continuing quest to enlighten
and inform, here is a cinematic gift guide for some of the films
opening up during the final month of 2004.
December
3
Closer Julia Roberts, Clive Owen, Natalie Portman,
and the new Michael Caine, Jude Law (in his 100th film this year)
have a love triangle....or is it a love square cuz there are four
of them? Isn’t Natalie Portman like 21 or something? What’s
she doing hooking up with pit-faced Clive Owen? Clive Owen is a
dirty dirty dog.
The Machinist Holy crap, have you seen Christian
Bale in this thing? He’s so skinny he looks like freakin’
Skeletor’s creepy little brother! Someone get the man a Wendy’s
triple cheeseburger, pronto.
December
8
Blade: Trinity If you are a hopeless nerd and are
thinking of wearing a black trench coat to this opening night, just
remember it’s gonna be cold out and you will never get laid.
(See profile of director David Goyer, opposite.)
December
10
Ocean’s Twelve The sequel that will once
again have frat dudes mixing it up in a theater with Soderbergh
freaks. The all-star greatest hits of Hollywood cast with the likes
of Clooney, Damon, Willis, Zeta-Jones makes the whole thing seem
more like a million-dollar variety show than an actual movie. Elliot
Gould is in it though. Poor Elliot Gould.
Primer Sharp little movie about two guys who build
a time machine in their garage. Maybe they can help out Elliot Gould.
December
17
The Aviator Pretty boy Leo DiCaprio plays the young
Howard Hughes in the latest Martin Scorsese epic. Sorry, Howard
Hughes freaks, no crazy old bearded Hughes with super long finger
nails killing coyotes with his bare hands in this movie! Sorry,
that totally never happened. But wouldn’t it be sweet if that’s
how the movie ended?
Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events
Heard behind me during the showing of this movie’s trailer,
“Oh my god, this looks sooooo good! Jim Carey plays everybody!”
Sigh.
Spanglish According to the trailer, this one features
lots of shots of Adam Sandler crying. I’d be crying too if
I was in a movie called “Spanglish.”
December
22
Meet the Fockers Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Striesand
are Ben Stiller’s parents. Two words: solid gold. Let’s
just hope this one-joke movie can stay funny for 90 minutes.
The Phantom of the Opera Joel Schumacher, the man
who gave Batman nipples, turns his cinematic hand to a direct adaptation
of Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Broadway musical. Wonderful for senior
citizens who haven’t been to a theater since Chicago, vomit-inducing
for the rest of Earth’s population.
December
25
Fat Albert Why? Why? Why, God, why?
The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou Wes Anderson
and his cast of regulars, including Bill Murray as Captain Zissou,
return for his fourth and possibly greatest film. When people are
already quoting lines from the film’s trailer, you know you’ve
got another classic on your hands.
December
29
In Good Company Topher Grace is the super young
boss of forever grumpy Dennis Quaid. Topher then has a steamy relationship
with Quaid’s daughter, played by the husky-voiced Scarlett
Johansson. Topher’s got a good thing going on just as long
as he doesn’t remind Dennis Quaid of Enemy Mine. Instant buzz
kill, that one. A2P
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